My Complicated Breastfeeding Journey
All of its twists, turns and what I wish I’d known
Written by Carolyn Testa
I did a lot to prepare for the birth of my daughter, and learned quite a lot about breastfeeding during my pregnancy. There was the lactation consultant that came in to talk to my childbirth education class, another lactation consultant that came to talk with my centering group offered through the midwifery clinic as well as a private consultation with a third lactation consultant prior to giving birth.
I knew the 4 hrs on the counter, 4 days in the fridge and 4 months in the freezer. I knew all the different positions to breastfeed in, and had my arsenal of pillows ready. I had the nursing bras, my pump, bottles, milk bags, nipple pads, etc.
When the lactation consultant asked me what my goal for breastfeeding was, I didn’t have a clear answer. I didn’t want to put any pressure on myself or my baby, and told her that as long as it was working for both of us, we would keep going. I felt like I had a lot of support from my husband, midwives and the lactation consultant herself, and didn’t feel super strongly about breastfeeding either way. I wasn’t crazy excited to breastfeed, but I wasn’t worried or scared about it either.
At the private consult, I practiced with a baby doll as the lactation consultant showed my how to hold the baby and “nose to chin, ram it in”. About halfway through the appointment, I got really overwhelmed and emotional. I was about 36 weeks at that point, and shit was starting to get real. My husband drove me through Fanci Freez afterwards for a milk shake.
The First Latch
Fast forward 3 weeks later to the birth of my baby girl. I had a homebirth, and the midwives helped me try to get a latch about 45min-1hr after birth. I was having a hard time getting her to latch on, and was still shaking from the massive hormone shift. It was midnight, and everyone was tired, including baby girl. The midwives told us to rest, and they’d be back in the morning to check on us.
Over the next few days, the midwives visited as well as the lactation consultant, and I slowly started to get the hang of breastfeeding. My nipples were super sore and cracked, but my team brought me Green Goo nipple cream and Lansinoh Soothies Gel Pads, which both helped immensely.
Back to Birth Weight
It’s common for babies to lose 7-10% of their weight after birth, and it’s expected that they should get back to birth weight by 2 weeks. The first week, my baby girl lost 15% of her weight. I thought she was feeding well, but everytime I brought her in to get weighed, she wasn’t where the midwives wanted her to be. I felt frustrated, and didn’t understand how she wasn’t getting enough milk when it felt like I was feeding her all. the. time. I began going to a local breastfeeding support group led by a lactation consultant (the 4th that I had met with at this point!). We would meet weekly. When I arrived, I’d strip baby down naked, weigh her on a scale, then sit with other parents as I breastfed and chatted. After feeding, I would weigh baby again to see how much milk she was getting. It was pretty cool to see what my body was providing to baby girl. A little after 2 weeks, she was back to her birth weight, and I continued to attend the support group. I loved the community with other parents, and I enjoyed having a lactation consultant available to ask questions to.
Excess Lipase
I had found my rhythm with breastfeeding, and began to pump and store milk in my freezer for when I was away from baby. I wasn’t working outside the home at that point, but I liked the idea of having a stockpile so I didn’t feel so physically tied to baby girl. I wanted to be able to get out of the house for a yoga class, have a date night, etc. The first opportunity for this came when I made a hair appointment when baby girl was around 3 months old. My husband had the stored milk ready to go and off I went. 3 hrs later (this was a cut & color mind you, and mama needed it baaaad), I was heading home, and my husband calls me saying that baby is screaming and wouldn't take the bottle.
I got home as fast as I could, ran in the door and threw off my top to feed my hungry baby. I felt guilty for leaving her for so long, and couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t take the frozen milk that had been warmed. We had tested the bottle with her before using fresh breast milk, so we knew it wasn’t the bottle that she was averse to.
Again, I reached out to my lactation consultant. She helped me figure out that I had excess lipase in my breastmilk. Lipase is an enzyme in milk that helps break down the milk in baby’s digestive tract. When there is excess lipase, and the milk is chilled in the freezer or fridge, the enzyme starts to break the milk down more quickly which can cause it to have a sour or even soapy smell. The milk is still fine to drink, but the taste will be off. Some babies don’t mind this, but of course, baby girl has a particular palette. So no more stored milk for us. If it was in the fridge for a few hours, she would be accept it, so I would make sure to pump right before leaving if need be. Little did I know, that would be the least of my breastfeeding worries.
Exclusive Pumping (sort of)
Girlfriend wanted to be looking around and checking things out while she ate. Pump, always close by, located in bottom right corner.
Nothing makes you feel more like a domesticated dairy cow than pumping breastmilk (is that the most obvious statement of the year?). It’s uncomfortable, noisy and you get none of the fun (i.e. baby snuggles). I started pumping to begin with so I wouldn’t feel so completely depended on by my daughter. Plus, I needed some alone time, especially when postpartum depression started sinking in around month 4, and pumping made me feel like that was possible.
Right around the time that I started noticing my depression and began seeing a therapist, my daughter started becoming uninterested in breastfeeding, specifically during daylight hours. Back to the lactation consultant it was. Oy, it was like one thing after another, man. Yet, since this was my first time around, I didn’t know any better. While I thought it sucked, I also thought this was just how parenthood was. I made several appointments with the lactation consultant, and finally she told me that it seemed like my daughter was just too distracted during the daytime for the boob. She would do great at night when she woke up for feedings, the room dark and her drowsy, but she didn’t want to be that close, just staring at me during the day. It’s not all that surprising now, seeing my daughter’s curious, adventurous and independent spirit emerge.
I was disappointed, yes, but what could I do? My options were to quit and formula feed (but I’m not a quitter! Yes, that is tongue in cheek.), or I could exclusively pump during the day and breastfeed at night. I chose the latter, and so for the next several months, while my daughter napped, I would hook up and pump. I told my therapist that it felt like I was now all consumed by her. While I should’ve been able to find time for myself during naps (eating, sleeping, showering), I was now quickly making a meal and eating it while I pumped, not to mention cleaning the pumping stuff afterwards. It was not lost on me that I started pumping to begin with, so I wouldn’t feel so depended on. Looking back on it now, I was a wreck.
The Wean
At around 5 or 6 months, I started supplementing with formula. After telling my therapist how hard it was on me, she made me realize I didn’t need to prove anything, and my baby would be healthy and thrive, especially if I wasn’t so stressed out about the pumping situation. Things got a lot easier, and what started as 75% breastmilk, 25% formula turned into 50/50, then 25/75. I continued to pump, because I couldn’t quite let go of the night feedings. I loved rocking with her at 2 am while she breastfed. It was a beautiful thing that was hard to let go.
At 10 months, I had non-invasive knee surgery. I remember waiting in triage and the nurse coming in to apologize that the procedure was delayed. No problem! I had a day off of mothering. I had a book, a bed, some anti-anxiety meds they gave me and no babies in sight. This was like a day at the spa! I was assured that any medication I was given was safe for baby while breastfeeding, but at that point I was ready to be done. And I didn’t really want to be hobbling over to her bedroom in the middle of the night post-surgery anyways.
Baby girl did great with it, she’s pretty good with accepting change (as much as any of us can be). Since I knew leading up to my surgery that this was going to be the end, I savored those last few nights of us rocking in the chair, her squishy cheeks next to my chest, her eyes closed, a contented look on her face.
Because I was providing 25% breastmilk, 75% formula at that point, weaning was easy on my body as well.
And I couldn’t wait to go all Office Space on that motherfucking breast pump.
My Takeaways
Some days I regret not switching 100% to formula earlier, and others I feel at peace with my journey. I had told the lactation consultant that I didn’t want to put any pressure on myself by giving a goal number of days that I wanted to breastfeed. As long as it was working for baby and me, we would continue to do it. When I was in the trenches of it, I wasn’t able to check in and know what was working for me. And what does ‘working for me’ even mean? I was so deep in my postpartum depression that none of it was working, and I didn’t think switching to formula would solve any of my problems. Yes, there’s some oversight there, but again, that period was somewhat of a fog for me so it’s hard to know what I could’ve changed.
I am unbelievably thankful to have found wonderful lactation consultants, an amazing breastfeeding support group and a compassionate therapist to help me through this experience. If you are planning to embark on a breastfeeding journey, please please please have a team in place. Reach out to your local hospital or La Leche League to find support groups near you. If you’re in the Boise, ID area, I went to the support group at St. Alphonsus. Pattie there is incredible.
Each breastfeeding journey is unique, and so, just like all things parenting-related, the game of comparison is a lose-lose. Use your mindfulness tools, journal, chat to a therapist or supportive friend regularly to help to check in with yourself and really dig to make sure what’s ‘working’ for you is actually benefiting both your baby and you (mentally, physically and emotionally).
I wish you all the best, and I’d love to hear from you if you want to chat about anything mentioned in this blog post. Email me at hello@mentalpushplan.com.
