How to Help A Friend Who’s Had A Miscarriage, Stillbirth or Infant Loss
Written by Lauren
1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss.
25%. That is a lot. This means it is highly likely you know someone who has gone through pregnancy loss (miscarriage), stillbirth or infant loss. They are all gut wrenching, world altering experiences of death and loss. The mourning and grief that follows is real and raw. Unfortunately, as a society we don’t talk enough about how to support each other through grief. When it comes to pregnancy and infant loss, we’re even worse. It’s often something that people suffer through in silence or behind closed doors. This is known as disenfranchised grief.
Coined by Dr. Ken Doka in the 1980’s -
“Disenfranchised grief can be defined as the grief experienced by those who incur a loss that is not, or cannot be, openly acknowledged, publicly mourned or socially supported. Isolated in bereavement, it can be much more difficult to mourn and reactions are often complicated.”
Findings around the disenfranchised grief of pregnancy or infant loss highlight the challenge of ambiguity surrounding the loss. This includes things like not knowing the cause, how or if to share the news or what types of arrangements to make. There are also many references to the “silence” that surrounds this grief and the lack of adequate support. These kinds of losses have also been linked to anxiety and depression.
We see this directly in the fact that it is commonplace to NOT share news of your pregnancy until after 12-16 weeks, when the chance of loss steeply declines. This means “we” collectively as a society have decided to carry out a code of silence around early loss. Similarly, there are rarely funeral services held for stillborn babies. There is no formal ceremony to mark the loss of life or for collective mourning and support.
This lack of acknowledgement leaves those mourning or grieving without much needed support.
Understanding this silence and lack of support, it is crucial that we step up when we do know of someone’s loss. But, as you just learned, people may not share they’ve experienced a loss and we lack regular, formal grieving ceremonies for this kind of loss. Often what people need most is for you to just be there. It’s that simple. Show up, hold their hand, let their emotion flow without judgement.
Here are a few more of our recommendations -
Acknowledge their loss.
Everyone grieves differently. However, loss hurts no matter who you are. The biggest and most important step is to look your friend in the eye and tell them that you are so sorry for their loss. Leaving these words unsaid is extremely painful. It may feel like you’re being kind or respectful by not bringing it up, when instead it sends the message that you don’t care or that your desire to avoid discomfort is more important than their pain. This is likely NOT the message you are intending to send, but it’s likely how it’s received.
Instead, take the step of saying something, offering your support and then let them decide how to proceed.
Be There.
There are no magic words that will somehow lessen their pain. But your presence, love and support definitely can.
If you can be there physically, they may need hand holding, hugs, or snuggles (assuming you have a relationship that includes this kind of intimate touch*). They may just need you to sit with them. They may need you to help with household tasks, caring for other children or running errands. You may not hear directly from them that your efforts are helping, but if they keep opening the door when you show up, take that as a sign that what you’re doing is needed and appreciated.
If you aren’t available in person, send virtual love and support. Calls, texts, cards all demonstrate that you're thinking of them and wanting to support them as much as you can from afar. Be aware that they may not pick up when you call, don’t take it personally if they aren’t ready to talk. Keep calling until they are ready to pick up. Seeing your name on caller ID is a sign of support in itself.
Listen.
Unless you’ve experienced miscarriage or infant loss yourself, you likely won’t know what to say. Thankfully, you don’t need to. (See “Be There” above). Instead give them the space to let their emotions flow. Simply listen. Do not seek to fix “the problem”. Refrain from judgement. Allow them the safe space to express their thoughts and feelings. A grieving person may pose questions like, “Why did this happen to me?”, “What did I do wrong?”, “What am I supposed to do now?”. These are not questions you are meant to answer for them. Loss makes us question so many things, especially the loss of a child/children. In those moments it’s okay to say, “I don’t know” or to simply say nothing and offer physical comfort*.
Similarly, don’t assume you know how they are feeling. Allow them to tell you how they are feeling and then acknowledge those feelings. Everyone experiences and processes grief differently. How you may feel considering their situation may be different from how they themselves may feel. Ask them how they are doing or feeling instead of using your own assumptions.
Finally, ask them how you can help and then do that thing. Listen and then follow through. If they aren’t sure what they need, offer a few things - helping around the house, planning a ceremony, telling others of their loss, bring food (see below). This can feel like heavy work, so make sure you have your own outlets for self-care (therapy, mindfulness, exercise, hobbies, etc.).
Do. Not. Minimize.
When someone has experienced pregnancy loss (miscarriage), stillbirth or infant loss, leave the following phrases at the door:
“It just wasn’t meant to be”
“You can always try again”
“At least you already have a child”
“There’s always a plan”
Saying things like this are often an attempt to make someone feel better. They don’t. They often make the person feel more hurt or like you lack understanding for what they are going through. Remember - there are no magic words. You don’t have to say the “right thing.” Acknowledge their loss and that it F*$%ing sucks. Then allow them the space to share.
Bring Food.
Food is a global symbol of community. We all eat and eat with others. Sharing a meal lends intimacy and lowers barriers. And then there’s also the fact that we need it to survive. Immediately after a loss, food may only be a basic necessity. This is something friends or family can definitely provide. Over time, they may be ready to eat with others. Sharing a meal together is so basic, yet so impactful. Showing up with food, just for them or to share, says a lot. You can ask them or their partner for food recommendations or if you know them well enough, just bring over one of their favorites.
* Please be aware that pregnancy loss (miscarriage), stillbirth and infant loss can be accompanied by a body/physical component that brings hate, loathing, anger, sadness, blame, or other intense emotions aimed at the birthing person’s own body. They may feel as though their body failed them or their child/children. Take cues from them on physical touch or ask them directly if you can hold their hand, hug, etc.
Reading through the recommendations may seem, well… simple. They are. Supporting a friend through loss isn’t difficult to understand, even if it is challenging to do. Yet, you are needed. So start by showing up, using these recommendations to get you started and then ask what else they need from you. You can also read more individual stories of loss on our blog here.
