Mental Tools for Miscarriage, Pregnancy & Infant Loss

Written by Lauren

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Honoring this month is so important, even if it sucks at the same time. It’s one of those things that necessitates attention and support when we’d all rather it didn’t exist. At least that’s how we feel. We have found that having support, knowing where to turn for resources and getting educated about how common loss is are all critical if or when you find yourself or someone close to you facing loss.

One way we seek to help is by offering the Mental Grief Plan. This digital workbook focuses on mindful self-compassion as you journey through pregnancy-related grief, whether it be from a pregnancy or infant loss, terminating for medical reasons (TFMR), or anxiety over pregnancy-related decisions after loss. Being a birthing person brings with it immense power to love deeply, but it also opens you to the potential of feeling incredible loss and sorrow. The two sides coexist.

Within the Mental Grief Plan, we cover a variety of ways to use mindfulness and mental tools to sit with, process and move forward through loss. In today’s blog, we will outline some of the tools covered in the Mental Grief Plan and how to use them when confronted with miscarriage, pregnancy or infant loss.

---

1. Cultivate Nonjudgment

Some people can experience a deep sense of guilt and shame over miscarriage, pregnancy or infant loss. Sometimes this can show up as extremely harsh self-judgment, creating a difficult loop to get out of. Turning to nonjudgmental responses can help you recognize the pain of those thoughts, while finding a healthier way to release them and their hold over you.

Nonjudgment is a tenant of mindfulness. It requires practice (a lot of practice) to let go of judgment and view thoughts simply as thoughts, instead of being indicative of who you are.

Here’s how this process might go -

• Common thoughts associated with loss -

  • “Was it my fault? Did I do something wrong?”

  • I hate my body.”

  • “This CANNOT be happening.”

  • “Why can’t I have a baby?”

  • “Why can’t they tell me what happened?”

  • “I wanted my baby. I loved my baby.”

• Judgmental reactions -

  • “Because you’re a failure.”

  • “You didn’t love them enough.”

  • “It is your fault.”

  • “You aren’t meant to have children.”

  • “You had that glass of wine / worked out too hard '/ wished you weren’t pregnant.”

• Steps for nonjudgmental response -

  • Take an intentional, deep breath

  • Visualize the word "fault" being erased from a giant white board.

  • Finish with a phrase like, "These are normal thoughts after what I've been through. I am not my thoughts."

In cultivating nonjudgment, be kind to yourself. It isn’t easy to separate ourselves from our thoughts. It takes hard work. But it is possible and, if you give it enough time and energy, you can do it.

2. Develop A Mental Cue

A mental cue is a word or short phrase that is repeated over and over either silently in your mind or said out loud. Mental cues are similar to mantras used in Eastern culture and religion, which have been shown to quiet impulses and calm a busy mind. In fact, neurological research has shown a reduction in brain activity when people are repeating mantras, bringing with it relaxation and fewer thoughts entering the mind.

This can be a helpful tool if your thoughts are too overwhelming or are keeping you stuck in a negative mental space.

Example Cues -

• Peace

• Release

• Be gentle

• I am here

Like a good story, it grows in the telling. The more you use your cue, the better friends you'll become and the more helpful it will be.

3. Use Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR)

This is the practice of going through the entire body and alternatively tensing, then relaxing your muscles. A regular practice of PMR can build your overall body awareness as it makes you more attune to tension in the body. Then, you can do quick tensing and relaxing moments throughout your day whenever or wherever you realize you’re holding tension.

This is a good tool if you hold tension or grief in your physical body.

Steps for PMR -

Moving either up or down your body (you can choose to start at your head or feet), first tense and hold one muscle group, then release. Repeat 2-3x per muscle group. Focus on feeling the strain while tensing and then the heaviness of releasing. Use these major muscle groups as an example for your progression:

• Feet

• Calves

• Thighs

• Buttocks

• Abdomen

• Back

• Shoulders

• Chest

• Biceps

• Arms

• Hands

• Neck & Face

Using visualization to take yourself to a place of calm can help if you find yourself ruminating or reliving difficult moments.

---

More on Miscarriage, Pregnancy or Infant Loss

For more on this topic, you can check out a post we shared earlier this month on how to help a friend through pregnancy or infant loss, you can read it here. You can also see our whole collection of posts related to loss here.

You may also be interested in our Mental Grief Plan for mindfully processing grief related to pregnancy or infant loss. Our Instagram @mentalpushplan offers tips, support and advice too. If you want to learn or read more we have listed several other resources below.