Christiana’s Birth Story
One Woman’s Journey Through Fear
Written by Christiana Perry
Who knew I’d be writing about my birth journey because from the onset of this pregnancy I had major anxiety about the black maternal death rate, and it took me quite some time and encouragement to realize I’d live to see the other side of birth.
However, let’s not continue on a sad note, let’s start with who I am and how I got to this birth journey!
My name is Christiana and I reside in Meridian, Idaho with my husband Troy and our sweet baby boy Carter James. When people ask me where I am from it’s a complex answer – I was born in Chicago where my parents were born and raised and then we moved to Scottsdale, Arizona when I was 3. I grew up in Scottsdale, going to Arizona State University, and after I graduated I craved a taste of the city life. I moved back to Chicago to go to grad school at Northwestern University and once I graduated, I started my career at Walgreens HQ.
Troy was living in Chicago at the time, and we met when I was hosting a charity event at the OrangeTheory Fitness he worked at. We had an 8-month situationship (or at least that’s what we call it), when he told me he was moving back to his hometown of Boise for a new career. We decided to try long distance, especially since I landed an opportunity at Sephora HQ in San Francisco. With SF being a short flight, the distance was manageable.
When the pandemic struck in March 2020, our SF offices shut down and we went remote, so I came to stay with Troy for a “few weeks” until it was over, but as we all know that turned into a longer period of time which then turned into an engagement, a wedding, a new job at Nike HQ and a new home!
With so much change in a short time, we decided we wanted to wait a year to enjoy just the two of us before we embarked on our journey to expand our family. We both knew we wanted multiple kids and in my younger years I spent a lot of time nannying, so I had no doubt in my mind I was excited to be a mom.
May 2022 marked one year of marriage and by August 2022, we found out I was pregnant. The initial bliss and secrecy were so amazing to bask in with Troy. As we hit the 12-week mark and the pregnancy became “real”, I started to become anxious about what this birth really meant for my well-being. Knowing things like black women are 2.6x more likely to die during birth or that black women aren’t listened to in hospitals had me paralyzed with fear.
I spent most of my second trimester with very high anxiety about whether I’d live to see myself being Carter’s mother.
I decorated the nursery, went to a breastfeeding class and set up the baby registry with the thought constantly in my mind of how Troy and Carter would enjoy these items and just the hope that I’d potentially be there as well, but I could never visualize myself in the picture.
One day I was driving to pick up pizza and I called my mom and shared my fear with her which felt freeing in itself to say out loud that I was scared. She said what if my fears were a metaphor for life and death as opposed to a true outcome and that if I face the fear head on instead of running from it how it could free me.
I mentioned how some other friends explained how much you, and your whole life, change after birth and we both had an ‘ah-ha’ moment. What if the fear in my mind about life and death was really just a fear of saying goodbye to this life, to ‘just me’, and stepping into a new life as a mom? We both recognized that the statistics are scary and aren’t in my favor. But that’s all they are, statistics. I had a great doctor and my mom would be there during my delivery to ensure I didn’t become another statistic.
Fast forward to the third trimester where I started to experience a sense of joy and had small moments envisioning myself as Carter’s mom. In thinking about the birth, I knew mental stamina was just as important as the physical preparation so I was excited when my doula told us about the Mental Push Plan workshop.
Troy and I attended a session when I was about 37 weeks and they really emphasized the importance of visualizations, affirmations and setting up your mindset for what would be some of the most intense moments of your life to date.
When we found out we were having a boy, blue heart confetti rained down on us. To honor that special memory, I cut out little blue hearts and stuck them around my bathroom mirror and wrote affirmations on them. I would read them everyday to begin to manifest the birth experience I wanted to come to life. Things like ‘I can do this’ and ‘you are safe to come into the world’ were mantras I repeated to myself while I brushed my teeth every morning and night.
*Hot tip from the class is to attach affirmations to a step in your daily routine.
Separately, my visualization was of a small Crossfit competition I was in some years ago where I was voted to compete against another woman in a Crossfit Open workout. I hate attention and did not want to compete, but I remained calm and present and just went through the workout one movement at a time. I did not think I could win, but I really pushed myself to complete the workout and I beat out my opponent which was both mentally and physically taxing. In that moment I felt calm yet powerful and I wanted to channel that energy into my birth.
We were seeing our doctor weekly at this point and physically the pregnancy had been pretty easy and seamless. We were in week 39 when my blood pressure started to rise, but I was not dilated, my cervix was not thinned and Carter was sitting very high. I took a non-stress test 4 days before my due date and while Carter was ok, my blood pressure was elevated. I did another non-stress test 2 days before my due date and received the same results. After discussion with my doctor, doula and Troy we decided that that night I would take steps to begin the process of labor.
The doctor inserted a Cook Cervical Balloon which was painless, it felt like a little pressure during insertion and then we went home to sleep for the night. I experienced some mild contractions throughout the night, but was able to sleep pretty well. We returned to the hospital early the next morning where we checked into our room with a lovely nurse and the doctor said I was 4cm and my cervix was thinning, but Carter was still very high. He recommended I start on Pitocin to get the process really moving (8am).
My birth plan was to go unmedicated and have a vaginal birth and already having strayed from the plan made me feel disappointed.
After a few hours of contractions, utilizing the nitrous which just slightly took the edge off and the doctor being busy with other deliveries, I asked for him to come check on my progress because I was ready for increased pain meds (3pm). I was 7cm dilated, cervix fully thinned and Carter was still sitting high but I knew I couldn’t go any longer without an epidural which came in about 15 minutes later. Thank God, as I’ve heard sometimes it can take awhile! The epidural was quickly administered and I was pain free and able to relax and take a nap, but I told Troy I felt like a failure for succumbing to the meds. He reminded me that that was no way to look at things and I had come so far without them and to remember all we wanted was to bring Carter out safely.
The nurses switched shifts and a new amazing nurse came on duty and she advised me it was time to start pushing (8pm). I pushed for 5 hours and I could feel his head, but he was not coming all the way down. The entire time Troy was quoting my affirmations I had on my bathroom mirror and reminding me of my visualization. When my doctor returned, he thought I had only been pushing for 3 hours and when he found out it was actually 5 hours the temperature in the room changed quickly as he thought that was far too long. He immediately monitored my pushes through a few contractions and determined my pelvis was too small and that without the use of forceps we would need to change plans from a vaginal delivery.
Troy, my doula and I discussed the pros and cons and decided to move forward with forcep use. My doctor began the process and wasn’t looking too excited about the progress. He brought in the prep items for a c-section and Troy looked at me and said this is the last push you’ve got or he is going to change the plan on us so give it your all. I pushed as hard as I could and the doctor told me to stop pushing because Carter was out!
I couldn’t believe it, not only did I have a healthy baby boy but I was alive to meet him! I thanked my doctor for so skillfully bringing Carter into this world and my nurse who helped me push through to achieve some portion of my birth plan (vaginal delivery). My doula was an absolute gem for coaching me, giving me cold towels, checking on my frizzy hair and reassuring Troy and my mom throughout the process.
All in all, pregnancy was lovely and I’d do it again any day. I would recommend any birth classes to be taken closer to the middle of your third trimester so the information is fresh, plus you’ll have built up a nice laundry list of questions by then. Birthing Basics with Katie’s Childbirth Ed was amazing for both Troy and I to attend, we felt well equipped with exactly how the process would go and decisions that could be coming our way.
Labor and delivery was intense. I have told my other pregnant friends to not stress about the pain. Instead, I recommend they work on setting up their mind for the stamina and energy that will help push them to the finish line.
*Another hot tip is to get a playlist ready that can take your mind to other places, making sure to include songs that are slow and relaxed for when you may need a nap and others that are for the pump up moments!
My biggest takeaway is that the moment interventions were introduced I should’ve opted for an epidural because my body wasn’t regulating the birth. With medications regulating my labor it wasn’t the gradual build I expected. I’d like to try my next birth unmedicated with the hope that interventions won’t be needed, but if I need medications again, then, oh well. I don’t judge anyone for the route they choose and Troy reminded me often that the goal is to have a happy and healthy baby and mama, however that needs to occur and I couldn’t agree more!
